A letter to all Nebraska state senators

I'm going to print this off and mail it to each one of Nebraska's senators.  Feel free to edit as necessary and send it along to your senator (or all of them!) if you believe Nebraska needs to change its legislation.

Dear Senator,

I am writing today as a woman whose birth story, like many, involves medical intervention.  Unlike most women, however, I actually needed the interventions I had.  I planned and prepared for a totally natural birth at Nebraska’s only birth center.  Unfortunately, at 40 weeks and 6 days gestation, I had to be induced for legitimate medical reasons.  After 36 hours of induction and about 6 hours of real labor, I was rushed in for an emergency c-section because of a cord prolapse.   I hate that I had to have a c-section but I also knew that my midwife would not have recommended any of the procedures she did without strong evidence supporting the medical intervention.

The story of unnecessary medical intervention runs rampant in the United States, and with only one birth center in the entire state of Nebraska and without the option of midwife-attended homebirths, women across the state are being subjected to unnecessary or inappropriate interventions.  Many women don’t know their options and are inclined to simply listen to what their doctor says, trusting the person who has probably never really studied or seen more than a handful of natural births.  Some women may know what they want but they don't have the support of their caregivers and may be talked into interventions they don’t want or need.  Childbirth is such a fragile time and telling a woman who is in labor that she “needs” an intervention for the safety of her child is manipulative but it happens on a daily basis.  There are hundreds, thousands of these stories.  Ask any woman who’s given birth in the last few years and you’ll undoubtedly find at least one, but sadly probably many more than that.

Currently Nebraska state law does not allow for a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) to attend home births within the state.  This drives many women to either leave the state to give birth or to attempt an unattended homebirth where the risks run much higher.  The Journal of Midwifery and Women’s Health recently posted an article that studied 16,924 planned homebirths across the United States.  The numbers indicate that midwife-attended homebirths are as safe as, and may be safer than, hospital births for low risk mothers.  The homebirths also come with better breastfeeding outcomes than hospital births.  The abstract can be read and the full PDF downloaded here: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jmwh.12172/abstract.

I am writing because this issue is important to me.  Because my birth experience left me with PTSD, I do not want to see the inside of a labor and delivery unit ever again.  I’m told that my views may change with time, but even if they do, I should not be deprived of the right to birth my second child in an incredibly safe and comfortable environment with the oversight of a trained professional who I can trust enough to tell me if I do need to head to the hospital.

For now, I’m researching my options in Iowa because CNM attended homebirths are legal there and I will undoubtedly be able to find a midwife who will attend my Trial of Labor After Cesarean (TOLAC) that will hopefully result in a successful Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC).

My plea to you is this: please read the study I provided.  Please research the safety of TOLAC/VBAC and the dangers and outcomes of unnecessary intervention in hospital births.  I could throw statistics at you all day, but it’s something you need to research yourself.  Half of your constituents are women.  Please look out for them.  Please consider legislation to allow CNM attended home births in this great state.  I don’t want to have to have my second child in Iowa.  I love Nebraska and have loved it all my life.  I am so proud of this state.  I tell everyone I know from other places that this really is “The Good Life”.  But now that I’m looking toward my options for birth for my second child, I’m seriously doubting that claim.  Because now, I live in a state where I don’t have options.  I will (most likely) be a low risk pregnancy forced to give birth in a hospital and to labor attached to unnecessary machines, or I’ll be giving birth at home with no one to tell me if I am, or my child is, in danger.  There’s not really room to find the positive here.

You may not be “my” senator, but we are both citizens of this great state.  Please consider writing legislation that will enable all of the women in Nebraska to have a choice to birth how they desire.  Please consider legislation that will give me, a woman with PTSD, options that don’t give me flashbacks to the scariest, most terrifying moments of my life.

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you regarding this matter.

Sincerely,
Kelsey Leick

Sometimes, having a happy, healthy baby isn't the only thing that matters.

I've written a lot about my desires for childbirth and the events that actually unfolded.  When I was in the hospital, I was in a daze and so happy to have Lily that I wasn't really hit by why happened.  I was okay with it.  I didn't really have to deal with it.  I thought I was fine.  And then reality checked in and everything that happened hit me with the force of a dozen semis at the same time.

I wasn't okay with what happened or how it did.  I was traumatized by the events of that morning.  All of my hopes and dreams that I'd been building up since I was 6 years old were ripped out of my hands. I didn't get a vaginal birth.  Hell, I wasn't even conscious for the birth.  All of that was taken from me in the harshest, most difficult, scariest situation imaginable.  I underwent major surgery that, while unlikely, carries a risk of death.  I didn't get to talk to Matthew between the decision that I would have a c-section and when they put me under.  Those two things together made the last thought I had before I was put out, "I am going to die and I'm not going to get to tell Matthew I love him."  Try walking away from that without being traumatized.

So when I tell people my story and they say, "Well at least you have a happy, healthy baby!  That's the important thing!" it's like a dagger through me.  It's like being told that my story doesn't matter, that what I went through doesn't matter.  That it shouldn't be a big deal to me because I'm alive and Lily is alive.  Yes, I have a beautiful, wonderful daughter who I couldn't possibly love more if I tried.  Yes, my physical recovery has been a breeze.  But I matter.  My story matters.  My mental and emotional recovery has hardly just begun.  The fact that I will never be the same, not only because I have a child now but because I walked away from her birth with PTSD, is important.  It matters.

I thank God every day for Lily, but I also ask him for answers every day.  Why me?  What did I do?  What could I have done differently?  I've all but gone through every single day of my pregnancy thinking about all the choices I made and the things that I could or should have done differently - that I will try my damnedest to do differently the next time around.  I'm not even sure I'm confident in my body's ability to do the thing it was literally built for - to carry and birth children.  Every day I ask myself why I was so confident - borderline cocky, really.  I feel like I'm being punished for so confidently going after what I wanted.  For defying the odds in this day and age of medicalized birth.  I hate what I had to go through.  I hate that I will have a physical reminder every time I look in the mirror and see that damned scar.

I hate that I have flashbacks of staring up into the lights thinking I'm going to die and that it keeps me up at night.  I hate that I have this beautiful, amazing child that I got to grow inside of me and sometimes just looking at her sends me into fits of tears because I couldn't give her the gift of a totally natural childbirth.  And I hate knowing that if she's ever diagnosed with asthma or any number of other conditions, I'm going to blame myself all over again because of the c-section.  I'll always wonder if it would be different if I'd had my natural birth.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that it wasn't my fault.  I'm sure that it was.  I'm sure there's something I could have done differently.  Even if I successfully VBAC next time, I'm still going to hate that I couldn't have that the first time around.

I know that with childbirth and new babies, it's so common to hear/say that having a healthy baby is all that matters.  It's really not.  The mother matters and her experiences matter.  And if the birth is everything she never wanted, don't disregard her and her experiences.

Having a happy, healthy baby is wonderful, but it's definitely not the only important thing nor is it the only thing that matters.

(Disclaimer: I know that most people say this as a silver lining and it's not an intentional dig at me.  I'm just relaying how it feels to me in my current not-at-all rational mental state. This isn't intended to be a dig at anyone, I just needed to get it out.)

Reminders for a Breastfeeding Mother (a.k.a. me)

Over the last week or so, my life has gotten significantly less chaotic and I finally feel like we've settled into a routine (minus the growth spurt that Lily went through).  I keep telling her to stop growing but she's already started the whole not listening to Mom thing.  My tiny little baby is now 8 pounds!  Eight! That just seems so big…

Obviously, we're not having any problems in the milk supply department, but figuring out breastfeeding in a culture that, on the grand scale, is anything but supportive has been a challenge.  For the first month or so, my instinct was to feed her when she cried because I didn't think about the other things that might be wrong.  While this helped my supply, it was definitely not the best thing for her or for me because as it turns out, breastfeeding can cause gas pain which can make a baby show hunger (to resolve the gas pain, which it does temporarily) which led to feeding which led to crying.  Definitely not a good situation for anyone.  We were in this endless cycle at the end of her growth spurt when I googled and found an excellent resource written by an IBCLC that explained so much of what I was going through.  (By the way, an IBCLC is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant - do yourself a favor if you're a breastfeeding mom and FIND ONE.  You will not, not, not regret it!)

Since when I'm in the throes of things, I tend to revert back to cry --> feed --> cry --> feed --> never-ending unhappiness for all parties, I'm writing this post so I have something to look at  to remind myself that I need to stop feeding her on demand because hunger cues don't necessarily mean hunger if she's eating every hour.

The list:

• Reflexes are just that - reflexes.  Just because I rub Lily's cheek and she turns her head, it doesn't necessarily mean she's hungry.  Only feed her if she continues to show other signs of hunger and everything else (gas, being sleepy, etc.) has been ruled out.
• Until about 3 months, if she's sucking on her hand/fingers it doesn't necessarily mean she's hungry.  Once she gains control of her hands, it's a better indication but it could be self soothing.
• Sometimes the developmental stage she's going through (Wonder Weeks app is great for this!) makes her want to suck for comfort and not for nourishment.
• Lactose overload is a real thing. If she's super gassy, nursing will temporarily relieve her gas pains before making it worse.  If it's been less than two and a half hours since her last feed, try gas drops.  (Those things are miracle workers!)
• She may be tired.  If her movements are jerky or she looks a little dazed, try swaddling with a pacifier to knock her out.

I'm just going to have to come back to this list (or just hang it on every surface of my house so I see it constantly) when I'm struggling.  They say breastfeeding gets easier at 6 weeks and that is today, so hopefully that rings true.  I'm glad that I have the support network I do and the wherewithal to ask for help when I need it.  I'm finally feeling like I can do this - I can be a working, exclusively breastfeeding mom (it helps that Lily will be at Gallup with me!) and we can hit our breastfeeding goals!

Woo!

Yesterday and today have been full of super awesome things (in bullet form because I love bulleted lists):

• Got Lily to take a pacifier (which means significantly less time spent using Mama as a pacifier)
• Finally got her to sleep without nursing her to sleep
• Got to go running
• Found a chair at NFM for the new house

This whole parenting thing has been an adventure to be sure, and after yesterday and this morning I finally feel like we're maybe kind of sort of getting the hang of things.  It's not easy but it's definitely getting easier!  Plus I was able to get a run in at the gym at Gallup and that was just so exciting for me.  Because of the surgery I'm hesitant to lift weights until after my 6-week check up, but I was given the go ahead to walk/run as long as I didn't overdo it.  I decided to start Couch to 5K over, and it's definitely a good thing I did.  I don't think I would have been able to pick up even anywhere remotely close to where I left off.  I could probably have started with week 2 or so, but week 1 was challenging without being overkill and I still got all the awesome benefits of working out.  I feel so good right now!

Plus I'm super in love with the chair we found at NFM.  We have several rooms worth of furniture to buy for the new house, but there is one spot that I knew I wanted a chair for and this one is perfect.  I don't think I've ever been so excited over a chair.  I suppose this is what being an adult feels like.

Anyway, Lily is waking up and probably needs to feed so I'll just end this here.