What It's Like Inside the Mind of an Over-due Pregnant Lady

Since I saw the little positive or the second line or whatever it was on the pregnancy test that indicated I had a tiny baby growing inside me, I was sure that I wouldn't make it to my due date.  It was mother's intuition.  A sure thing.  I would be having this baby early.  Yessir, I was going to be one of those moms that everyone is jealous of because it's my first and I went a week and a half early.  And then my 35th week rolled around and I started having Braxton Hicks so intensely during mass that I couldn't catch my breath.  I didn't realize they were Braxton Hicks, of course.  I thought they were the real thing and it may be something where I'd have to go in and they'd stop my progress.  But I went home where I took a bath and they slowed down after a while.  And then the same thing happened the next week. And the next week too.  In fact, I was quite certain that my water was going to break during mass.  Probably during the consecration when I would have to awkwardly run out of the church from the front row. 

In addition to the crazy Braxton Hicks, there were a handful of signs that showed up over the weeks indicating my body was creating the hormones that induce labor.  So I was really, really confident that the baby would be coming early.  But it's now 5 days past my due date and the baby is still perfectly content to hang out inside.  Although, given the crazy weather out here and the nice toasty spa that the baby has inside I really can't blame the little one.

With that said, I had no idea how much of pregnancy (especially at this point) is psychological.  Every day is like climbing a new mountain.  Waking up and not knowing what (if anything) is going to happen is hard.  Really, really hard.  I go to sleep hoping I'll wake up in the morning...or the middle of the night...or any time really, having contractions.  I wake up every morning (and 4 times throughout the night) with no signs of anything new.  I overanalyze every single little twinge (there are plenty of them) and get excited that this tiny little pain is different and I bet it's a contraction…and then it's not.

I'm writing this because I think it's so uncommon in this day and age to have someone make the choice to allow the pregnancy go as long as the baby decides to stay in.  I won't be induced (with medication) unless I go over 42 weeks and the non-pitocin alternatives don't work.  I will carry this baby as long as he or she stays healthy and my vitals look good.  I don't think people realize how much of what they say is more hurtful than helpful at this point.  I have wanted to punch more than one person in the face for a comment they made.  A lot of that is the hormones talking, but this condition is almost purely psychological at this point and hearing the wrong thing will often leave me sobbing for half an hour, questioning why I'm doing this and how I'm supposed to go on for another five minutes, let alone another day or potentially seven or nine.

The funny thing is that when I was thinking about writing this blog this morning, I had no idea what anyone could possibly say that would make me feel better (or at least not worse) about still being pregnant.  And then it happened at work.

I was walking down the hall and one of my (shockingly enough) male coworkers saw me and said "Awww."  What I heard was, "What a bummer that you're still here!  I was really hoping that you would have had the baby by now.  I'm sorry you haven't yet!"  It was music to my ears.  Alternatively, having people see me and say nothing about the baby is equally as nice.

Here is a list of conversation starters, offhand comments, or general phrases that at best don't help and at worst leave me sobbing for half an hour:

• "I'm/We're so excited for the baby!"
• This makes me feel like I'm being pressured to have the baby and my body is failing by not having gone into labor yet.  It's not rational, but it is what it is.
• "Still no baby, huh?"
• If you can't tell by my rather large, round belly and impressive waddle - yes, I'm still pregnant.
• "You look miserable!"
• I am.
• "Didn't you think you were going to give birth before your due date?"
• This is one that makes me cry.  Even more so when it's followed by laughter at the idea that I would even think I would have a baby early.  Never mind the fact that my mother was a week early with my older sister and based on that notion, it didn't seem insane to me that I would go early.
• "You're seriously still working?"
• My other option would be to waste my precious little maternity leave time sitting around the house doing nothing but annoying my wonderful husband who just wants to get some work done.  Also, work keeps my mind off of the fact that I am now almost a week past my due date with no signs of labor in sight.
• "Aren't they going to induce you soon?"
• Nope, they're not.  It's a decision I made because I firmly believe that natural childbirth is the best option.
• "You're going to end up with an epidural." Alternatively, chuckling/laughter when I say I want a natural childbirth.
• Cue crying/punching people.  I have planned for as long as I can remember to have a natural childbirth.  I took classes to prepare mentally.  I specifically chose midwifery care and the birthing center (not hospital) because I knew that the midwives would be able to help with the natural birthing in ways an OB likely would not.  I have a doula because they increase the likelihood of a natural birth by 30%. I have a husband who supports me 100% which is probably the most important piece of the puzzle.  I will do this and YOU will be wrong.

This probably sounds very rant-y/angry and it is a little bit.  I think people are generally trying to be nice, but I'm in this crazy place inside my head and I'm not going to hear what a rationally thinking person would hear.  

Moral of the story: the next time you're talking to a really pregnant woman, especially one who is past her due date, the best course of action is probably just to talk about something not pregnancy related.  What would you say to her if she weren't pregnant right then?  Ask her about her work or her plans for the day or anything unrelated to the baby.  If she wants to talk about the pregnancy and the baby, let her be the one to bring it up.

Names

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, especially with the baby coming any day now (we hope!!).  Since I haven't written a blog in about 6 gazillion years and Facebook notes are so 2006, I figured this would be a good thing to come back with.

Names are important to me.  It drives me crazy when people get mine wrong, mispronounce it, or give me a nickname before I'm close enough to them for them to have a nickname for me.  I always call people by the name with which they introduce themselves to me.  If they tell me they'd rather be called something different, I happily oblige.  It confuses me when people don't make an effort to do the same because names are important.

A few months before Matt and I got married, I started to realize that I didn't want to change my name.  I had always intended to and was known to practice my new signature during particularly boring classes.  Once it actually got close though, I freaked out about the thought of it.  I've always felt defined by my last name and I've always loved it (liked it, even…heh heh heh). While our sacramental marriage meant becoming one it definitely didn't mean leaving my 'old' self behind to reinvent myself entirely, which is what I felt I'd be doing if I changed my name.  He wasn't happy about it at first, but I explained myself and my reasoning.  He understood where I was coming from and ultimately agreed when I asked him if he would be willing to change his name for me and the answer was an adamant no.  If he wouldn't be willing to do this for me, it wasn't reasonable to expect it of me.

People have told me that I don't love him because I haven't changed my name; that we're somehow less of a married couple because of it.  They've said crazy things about it and it blows my mind.  I am not trying to make a statement by not changing my name.  In fact, sometimes for a minute I think it'd be nice to have the same name so people don't refer to Matt by my name or so that I don't have to take an extra moment every time I need to provide both our names to explain that we have different last names. But ultimately, I don't regret my decision to keep my name.  I love that I've never had to feel like I gave up being me when I got married.  I think, looking back, it would have been more detrimental to our marriage if I had.

Of course, once this was decided we started to discuss the names of our future children.  What it came down to was that our children would be part of both of us.  They are half Macari and half Leick, and we felt their names should reflect that.  If I love my name and Matt loves his, why not give them both names?  So that's what we're doing.  This little munchkin (whenever (s)he decides to show up) will have the last name Leick-Macari.  And when the baby, boy or girl, gets married they will decide what they want to do.  If we have a son that wants to change his name to his wife's we will support him fully.  If we have a daughter who wants to tack an extra last name onto her own, we will tell her to go for it.

As a final thought, I'm going to do a brief PSA:  If you know a couple who has two different names, you should ask them how they prefer to be addressed.  If you're not comfortable asking, etiquette dictates that you write the married couple's names on the same line in alphabetical order.  The likelihood of either party finding this offensive is approximately 0%.  The likelihood of either party finding being addressed by the name that is not their own offensive is significantly higher.

Speaking to Matt and myself specifically, (Ms.) Kelsey Leick and (Mr.) Matt Macari is perfectly sufficient.  Once the baby comes, adding Baby Leick-Macari or addressing us as 'The Leick-Macaris' or 'The Leick-Macari Family' is great as well (and saves some ink).

If anyone has any thoughts on why they did or didn't change their names or how they approached naming children when they have different last names, I'd love to hear it.  Perspective is a wonderful thing.

On Pregnancy and the World's Greatest Husband/Father

First, I'm pregnant!

I wanted to wait until we got back from Austria to share this news.  I really, really did.  I had it all planned out and everything: Matthew and I were going to share an album entitled "Baby's First European Vacation" with pictures of me and my bump (that will have hopefully arrived by then!) to break the news to the Facebook world.  And then, after running to the store deli to get dinner tonight (Matt's working late for release and I didn't feel like cooking), I saw my half of the dinner he cooked last night packed away and waiting for me.  He didn't mention he'd made it or I would have saved myself a trip to the store.  In fact, as I was sitting here thinking about it, he hasn't mentioned a lot of things he's done lately.  Like, an embarrassingly large amount of things.  Various chores and housework that he has done faithfully and (almost entirely) without complaint by himself that I have been too nauseated or tired to help him do.

My first trimester is almost over (praise the Lord!!!) but while I was in the thick of it, most nights after work all I had the energy to do was crawl into bed almost as soon as I got home and hope that maybe, just maybe, I would feel better tomorrow.  I lost 12 pounds, mostly because I spent more time than I care to think about sitting on the bathroom floor wishing I would fall asleep and not wake up until I had a cute, snuggly baby in my arms.  And during all of this, Matthew was there with a glass of water, a hug, a tissue, whatever food I felt like I might be able to eat that day, or anything else that I could even think I needed.  He hasn't uttered a single complaint about my total lack of desire to even think about eating dinner with him (no desire to eat) nor about my requesting that we push clearing out what will be the nursery or some necessary yard-work until the totally unknown date when I actually feel like myself again.  He has been my rock through what has been a rather trying period for me.

If there was any doubt that he would be the world's greatest, most amazing father (there wasn't), it has all been blown away by the things that he has done these last 13 weeks.  He has been completely selfless in every way.  I'm definitely not always the easiest person in the world to live with, and I've probably been about 100 times worse as of late and still Matthew has done everything in his power to make sure that his cranky, tired, frustrated bride was a little (or a lot) less of all of those things.

Now that I've gotten my nomination for Husband/Father of the Year out of the way, here's the fun stuff:

• Our due date is January 25th
• We aren't going to find out the sex
• We affectionately call the baby Gummy Bear (because that's what babies look like in ultrasounds when you're not very far along)
• My midwife tells me that Baby is definitely getting his or her exercise in.  (Apparently you can hear movement on a fetal doppler? Amazing stuff!)
• Pregnancy brain is definitely a real thing.  Just FYI.

I can't think of anything else, so I'll just end this here for now.

Changes

This past week, I made a pretty big change in switching jobs.  I am now officially employed by Gallup and it's basically the greatest job ever.  Every single person I've spoken to has greeted me with an enthusiastic and sincere, "Welcome to Gallup!" Everyone has been overwhelmingly kind, inclusive, and welcoming.  People are excited to get to know me and work with me.  A coworker told both Matthew and me that he is really excited to work with me and thinks getting to know me will be really fun.  It's been an overwhelmingly positive experience when my previous job was not always that.

I'm especially excited because on my third day, last Friday, I was invited by a few guys in the NOC (network operations center - my home base) to join their team in a fitness program called 'In the Zone'.  This week, there is a fitness relay that involves each team member doing a particular exercise and then "handing off the baton" to the next person when they're done.  Yesterday I had to walk/run 2 miles for relay #1 and today was to walk/run 3 miles for relay #2.  We haven't gotten to relay #3 yet because the poor anchor of #2 has to do 50 pull ups before we can finish.  Regardless, whenever we do move on to #3, I'm demanding something that doesn't involve my legs.  The walk between my desk and the NOC is a pretty decent trek and I'm averaging walking it 10 or so times a day.  My legs are ready to murder me.

The best part of the fitness thing though, is that I am completely accountable to my group.  If I don't do my part, they can't do theirs.  I've struggled with not really having anyone to be accountable to, so having these guys is awesome.  Plus, there are trainers at Gallup who come up with a fitness and nutrition plan for you as a benefit of employment.  Even better, they are known to really hold you accountable by sending emails (or talking to you in person) as gentle reminders of your goals and plans if they see you, for example, eating something you shouldn't.  Physical Wellbeing is one of the five focus areas of overall Wellbeing and Gallup goes out of their way to make sure you have ways to improve or maintain it.

Quite possibly even more exciting, the change I realized tonight that I've fully made: I have officially moved out of plus sized/women's sized clothing! Depending on where I shop, my size is far from consistent but I have even managed to fit comfortably into a few designer brands.  I skipped weighing myself last weekend after a week when I failed rather miserably at my goals of not up going out to eat, etc., but I have definitely made progress!  I have some shirts I got last summer that were a little snug when I got them.  They got a little tighter over the course of last year, but they've become comfortable enough that I actually wore one to work today.  I'm very excited to keep up with the exercise and have people to continue to hold me accountable so that hopefully I can drop even more weight or a few more sizes before the trip to Austria.

Overall, things are going just peachy for me.  I'm looking forward to the future and seeing where things go from here!

"I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language besides English?"

The title is a quote from Bridget Von Hammersmark in the movie Inglourious Basterds.  I've watched it a couple of times recently because it helps to hear German spoken by natives since there aren't many opportunities like that here.  This quote struck a chord with me because it's so true.  In the movie, basically every single European character (and the actor) speaks at least two languages fluently but the only attempt in the movie the Americans make at speaking a second language is laughable at best.  The saddest part is that it is a completely accurate depiction of most Americans and it's depressing.

When I started thinking about writing this post, I realized that a lot of the time, I feel like I was deprived of so many cultural opportunities because I was born in America.  I understand that many Americans think that America is THE GREATEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL TIME EVER, but the rest of the world doesn't necessarily agree.

Most people I know didn't start learning a second language until middle school at the earliest.  The best chance you have of learning a new language is when you're still very young.  I guess this isn't entirely shocking when we're led to believe that since everyone else can speak English, there's really no need to learn a second language; and quite frankly, there's really not much of a use for it when you would have to travel more than one or two or three thousand miles in any direction to get somewhere where you can actually use the language you're learning.

Since I started attempting to learn German, I picked up a lot pretty quickly.  I can write well and read well, even though I still have a long way to go.  I can't, however, speak well or comprehend spoken German well which is why I've been watching the movies with German as the spoken language and listening to the Harry Potter books in German.  Even with all of that, the opportunities I have to interact with people in the German language are limited mostly to my short and infrequent trips overseas, occasionally Skyping with a native speaker, and talking to my older sister.  It's so frustrating to know that in order to really be able to become fluent in the language, I need to use the language on a daily basis.  In order for that to happen, I need to live in Europe.  In order to move to Europe, both Matt and I need to speak fluent enough German to get jobs to support ourselves.  Either that, or we can win the lottery.  Honestly, I'm not sure which one is more (or less) likely to happen.  It's why I get so frustrated sometimes.

I'm not trying to minimize the things that I have in America that I am so grateful for - my husband, the rest of my family, Husker football (it had to be said), etc. - and I know that the grass isn't always greener, but in this instance I am absolutely 100% sure that it is.  The language-learning opportunities in Europe don't exist in America and they can't.

Why I'm Taking it Slow With My Scale

Since I committed myself last week to three big changes (no going out to eat / only drinking water / minimizing sweets) I've also decided to try to minimize the number of times I weigh myself.  I was weighing myself more or less every day and it clearly wasn't helping.  I'd either get excited by my weight or depressed by it, and neither was a very big motivator for exercise.  This past week, I've managed to avoid the scale, but gave in today.  For the first time since I've started this blog, I think that I really, truly realized that even though I have a goal weight that I would love to reach, my weight isn't what this is about.

It's a little difficult to explain, because this all began out of a desire to look better.  I wanted to do it healthily, but more than anything I really just wanted to be skinny and I wanted to be that number on the scale.  I still want to lose the weight and I still want to look better than I ever have, don't get me wrong.  However, more than that I want to be healthy.  I want to be physically fit with muscle definition and an awesome cardiovascular system.  I don't want to be at risk for diabetes or other conditions that come with obesity or being overweight.  I want to know exactly what I'm putting into my body (which is why cooking at home and not eating out, save for special, occasions is huge).  Realizing that the scale isn't the be-all end-all and my weight is only a tiny piece of the puzzle makes me able to move on with the process (and hopefully be more successful with it!).

When I weighed myself this morning, after having an internal debate with myself and a discussion with Matthew about whether I should, I was really surprised to find that even though the number on the scale wasn't necessarily as low as I wanted it to be, I didn't really care.  I just kind of moved on because I know I've eaten more healthily this week than I have in a long, long while and I've been better at the gym too.  It turns out that I was right not to care one way or the other because some pants that have been a little snug lately are the most comfortable I remember them being since I bought them.  There are several different ways to measure progress and I think I've finally learned to accept that obsessively measuring my weight is not a productive one. 

There are many reasons why, including:

• Body weight fluctuates during the day and over the course of several days.  Even when you're losing weight, your weight will increase occasionally.
• Doing strength training can cause your weight to remain stagnant or increase even while your body fat percentage is decreasing.
• Seeing a higher number than you expected can cause you to lose hope or motivation.
• Seeing a lower number than expected can cause you to become complacent.
• Weighing yourself daily can cause you to become obsessed with your weight instead of becoming healthier.

The new system for weighing myself is once weekly.  A lot of people recommend once monthly, but I don't think I can handle waiting that long.  I want to measure my progress on a weekly basis, so that's what I'll do.  I'm going to set a time of day and weigh myself at that time every Saturday.  I'll also take a picture of myself so I can track my progress that way.  A lot of people have recommended taking body measurements, but I can't seem to get consistent measurements so I'm holding off on that for now.

I'm finally really, truly motivated to give this my all for all the right reasons and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes me!

Back to Basics

I've been struggling majorly to keep up with the goals set forth in this blog.  I have not been nearly as successful as I would like with both my German and my weight loss.  I've lost weight and gained muscle since it started, and I've definitely improved my German, but I haven't achieved the goals I've been trying to attain yet and it's been almost a full 18 months since I began this project.  As such, I'm going to start all over with a different approach.

There are a few changes I've been able to make and stick with since I started this blog and the biggest one is giving up soda.  Since I've been successful there, I'm instituting a few more similar changes for the next year.  They are:

• Giving up any liquid that isn't water (or tea I brew myself, if I'm in dire need of caffeine)
• Giving up going out to eat
• Seriously limiting my sweets intake

I'm also going to do the following:

• Attend church regularly and become actively involved in our parish
• Start operating a cupcakery out of my home
• Study the German language.  Really study it.

Those are quite the list of changes.  Let me explain how I got to this point.  The biggest reason is that I'm content in my life, but not satisfied where I'm at with my goals, as I already said.  I also feel entirely too complacent.  I felt like I needed to institute some changes and really do what I'm passionate about, so here I am.

Because the weight loss has been relatively unsuccessful, the changes I'm instituting there are pretty big ones that should be enough to shock my body into dropping past the rut I've been stuck in and actually making some real progress.  There are some exceptions to the rules, but there aren't many.  I will, for special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, vacations) go out to eat or drink things besides water.  On a day-to-day basis, however, the rules stand.  As far as my sweets intake, I'll allow myself one day per two weeks to indulge a little.  It may be a cupcake or a few girl scout cookies, but it'll only be one serving.

As far as the other lifestyle changes, Matthew and I have found (as have many others) that there is definitely something to be said for attending church.  Truly accepting God into our lives has allowed us to feel more at peace than we ever have.  I love having a community of people who share my beliefs and who are passionate about the same things I am.  Matt's already joined the Knights of Columbus and I am looking forward to joining the Social Justice club at Pius, as well as the women's group.  I'm also really looking forward to using my talents baking by providing cupcakes or other baked goods as necessary for parish functions!

On that note, since baking is definitely a natural, God-given talent, I've decided to use it to my advantage (and honor Him in the process)!  Even though I'm limiting my sweets intake, I still love to bake more than a lot of other things, and operating a cupcakery will allow me to do something I love.  The best part is that I will donate 5% of the total order price from EVERY order to the church (or charity) of the purchaser's choice.

The business will be called Kelsey Likes Cupcakes.  I don't have a website (yet), but I can be contacted via email at kelseylikescupcakes@gmail.com or by phone at (402) 455-1173.  I will make pretty much whatever you want and my prices are really reasonable. :)

Finally, as far as the German goes, I want to actually get out my textbook and grammar books and go through them until I can explain German grammar and word order better than English.  In addition, I want to go through all of the German movies and TV shows my sister lent me until I can actually understand spoken German when it's at a conversational pace.  I don't have a timeline for this goal, but I'd like to be much better in August than I am now.

On that note, I need to get back to the cupcakes I'm working on for a dinner tomorrow.  Hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend!

Tschüss!