It was brought to my attention recently that I have not been doing the best job of explaining why I am so upset about the c-section. I knew that it was a traumatic event for me, but I didn't figure out exactly why I was so traumatized until the other day. I knew all of the things that happened were incredibly upsetting, but I was finally able to pinpoint the real problem.
The issue is that as soon as it was determined I needed a c-section, Matthew was immediately pulled away and everyone else stopped talking to me. Not a single nurse, my midwife, or either of the doctors said a word to me to explain what was happening, why there wasn't time for me to get a spinal or epidural and instead had to undergo general anesthesia, what the procedure would entail, when I would wake up, or why I couldn't talk to my husband or have him in the room. Everything happened really fast and I was honestly a little in shock and it didn't occur to me to ask those questions. I was clearly terrified though, and definitely upset. I kept asking over and over again to talk to Matt and the only response I got was that he wasn't in the room. I finally gave up and just asked them to tell him I loved him - and all I got was a, "yes, I will tell him". It was more like I had been a petulant child begging my mom for something and her finally giving in than a compassionate response.
I felt dehumanized. I was made to feel like I was a vessel carrying the child who needed to be cut out. I was made to feel like the only person who mattered in that room was my child - that there was no sense in caring for me. I am not resentful toward Lily for any of this. I am resentful toward and angry at the providers whose job it is to treat all of their patients in a compassionate manner. Time may have been of the essence, but that is no excuse to neglect the patient on the table who would actually have emotions and memories of the experience.
Apparently I was so insignificant that it wasn't even necessary for one of the nurses to tell me that she was performing an incredibly painful procedure until I screamed out in agony and asked her what exactly she was doing. After giving up hope of talking to my husband before an unplanned, unexpected, and major surgery, I was told, "you can't cry because I need a clear airway". No apologies from the nurse for not telling me about the procedure and no empathy from the anesthesiologist. It would not have taken more than five or ten seconds for the anesthesiologist to say that she knew it was a scary situation but it was important for her to have a clear airway in order to perform the operation as quickly as possible. It would not have taken any more time than necessary for the nurse to tell me she was about to perform a procedure that was painful so that I could have a second or two to prepare for it.
I had sheets taped to me and was covered in antiseptic and had someone strap my hands down, and no one ever said a word to me about what they were doing or why they were doing it. Not a single person took even a second of their time to care for me. And that's why I'm mad, and that's why I'm upset and that's why I'm traumatized. And that is why when you tell me I should be happy that I had the c-section, I get upset and hurt and angry. It is because I am flooded with thoughts and feelings of the most degrading, heartbreaking, and scariest moments of my life and I'm expected to appreciate that all of it happened to me.
I am glad that I have Lily. I could not love her more if I tried - she and her daddy are the two most important people in my life. But I will never be grateful that the c-section happened the way that it did. Maybe someday I will be able to separate the emotions of the c-section from the way that it was handled. I am working toward that goal fervently, but for now I just need more time.
I didnt realize u had general and had to be strapped down like that. And you're right, they did treat you poorly to not adress you and help you through it better. It sounds scarier than a typical c section as well. I'm sorry you went through that. Im glad you have found a way to express your feelings so you can have better understanding from those who care.
ReplyDeleteKatya
Hi Kelsey –
ReplyDeleteI am someone you know from your past, but probably don’t think about much anymore. I just wanted to say I empathize with you. I went through something traumatic almost 2.5 years ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long). My trauma was very different than yours, but I can really connect with your having PTSD – I did too. I know what it’s like to feel as small and insignificant as humanly possible, to be in unbearable pain and to struggle to unravel those emotions and figure out how to make it stop. I understand the nightmares and flashbacks and triggers (for one particularly lovely few months, I was having recurring dreams about being dismembered by my “bad guy”). I understand being confused and upset and having trouble processing emotions. I understand the good and bad days, the sad that comes with the happy, and how it feels when you are overwhelmed by your ‘what ifs’ and so, so impossibly angry. I had sleepless nights and self doubt and over the top fear and everything else you can imagine multiplied by infinity.
But I have also seen the light. It takes time and a lot of conscious effort on your part, but you will be able to move forward. I am not saying you forget what happened or that it becomes any less traumatic, but (please excuse my lack of eloquent word choice here – it’s hard to put these thoughts into words) you get stronger – better at dealing with your emotions, at finding positive outlets, and on just moving forward.
There are so many things to help in your journey. One major thing that helped me is connecting with others like me. At first, that was finding a web forum where I could talk and listen to others like me. Then, that morphed into an in person support group. Finding people who were experiencing emotions like mine was a godsend, truly. If I could wish anything for you, it would be to find support – online or otherwise – where you can feel safe and not judged. I was able to talk without being judged, learn from others, and, when I was ready, help others in the group. Remember you are probably going through the stages of grief (that’s also on the webpage with the story that I talk about in the next paragraph…I didn't even plan that!), and it’s important to let yourself work through all the stages in your own way, taking the time you need.
Additionally, a story that helped me a lot is called “Turning a Boulder into a Pebble” - http://www.pandys.org/articles/sexualviolenceandgrief.html - (the topic is going to give away part of my story, but that’s ok – relative anonymity is reassuring; also, though our experiences are different, I think this story might help). At first, what happens seems so big and heavy and it weighs on you constantly. But with hard work – therapy, journaling, support group, exercising, or however you process your emotions – that boulder will start to erode. It won’t weigh you down anymore and be in control of you. You will have gotten stronger and will be in control of it. Don’t get me wrong, you might still have bad days, but you’ll have the tools to deal with it.
I am not a believer that all things happen for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks and it’s hard for no reason. “It is what it is” has been a phrase that has calmed me at my most out of control moments. I can’t change the past, and for me, anger isn’t productive (it starts this whole cycle that is so hard to break). I am trying now to focus on the present and what I can do to help. For me, this is the hardest step. There is lots of shame and stigma attached to what happened to me, and lots of pity. I am afraid to tell my story because I don’t want to be judged, pitied, or held at arm’s length. I am strong now and want to help others. For where I am now, that means slowly sharing my story, liking things on facebook, reaching out to those who are struggling, etc. I think you will find your voice, too. From your blog, it seems like you might have already.
Through it all, just remember to be kind to yourself.