What It's Like Inside the Mind of an Over-due Pregnant Lady

Since I saw the little positive or the second line or whatever it was on the pregnancy test that indicated I had a tiny baby growing inside me, I was sure that I wouldn't make it to my due date.  It was mother's intuition.  A sure thing.  I would be having this baby early.  Yessir, I was going to be one of those moms that everyone is jealous of because it's my first and I went a week and a half early.  And then my 35th week rolled around and I started having Braxton Hicks so intensely during mass that I couldn't catch my breath.  I didn't realize they were Braxton Hicks, of course.  I thought they were the real thing and it may be something where I'd have to go in and they'd stop my progress.  But I went home where I took a bath and they slowed down after a while.  And then the same thing happened the next week. And the next week too.  In fact, I was quite certain that my water was going to break during mass.  Probably during the consecration when I would have to awkwardly run out of the church from the front row. 

In addition to the crazy Braxton Hicks, there were a handful of signs that showed up over the weeks indicating my body was creating the hormones that induce labor.  So I was really, really confident that the baby would be coming early.  But it's now 5 days past my due date and the baby is still perfectly content to hang out inside.  Although, given the crazy weather out here and the nice toasty spa that the baby has inside I really can't blame the little one.

With that said, I had no idea how much of pregnancy (especially at this point) is psychological.  Every day is like climbing a new mountain.  Waking up and not knowing what (if anything) is going to happen is hard.  Really, really hard.  I go to sleep hoping I'll wake up in the morning...or the middle of the night...or any time really, having contractions.  I wake up every morning (and 4 times throughout the night) with no signs of anything new.  I overanalyze every single little twinge (there are plenty of them) and get excited that this tiny little pain is different and I bet it's a contraction…and then it's not.

I'm writing this because I think it's so uncommon in this day and age to have someone make the choice to allow the pregnancy go as long as the baby decides to stay in.  I won't be induced (with medication) unless I go over 42 weeks and the non-pitocin alternatives don't work.  I will carry this baby as long as he or she stays healthy and my vitals look good.  I don't think people realize how much of what they say is more hurtful than helpful at this point.  I have wanted to punch more than one person in the face for a comment they made.  A lot of that is the hormones talking, but this condition is almost purely psychological at this point and hearing the wrong thing will often leave me sobbing for half an hour, questioning why I'm doing this and how I'm supposed to go on for another five minutes, let alone another day or potentially seven or nine.

The funny thing is that when I was thinking about writing this blog this morning, I had no idea what anyone could possibly say that would make me feel better (or at least not worse) about still being pregnant.  And then it happened at work.

I was walking down the hall and one of my (shockingly enough) male coworkers saw me and said "Awww."  What I heard was, "What a bummer that you're still here!  I was really hoping that you would have had the baby by now.  I'm sorry you haven't yet!"  It was music to my ears.  Alternatively, having people see me and say nothing about the baby is equally as nice.

Here is a list of conversation starters, offhand comments, or general phrases that at best don't help and at worst leave me sobbing for half an hour:

• "I'm/We're so excited for the baby!"
• This makes me feel like I'm being pressured to have the baby and my body is failing by not having gone into labor yet.  It's not rational, but it is what it is.
• "Still no baby, huh?"
• If you can't tell by my rather large, round belly and impressive waddle - yes, I'm still pregnant.
• "You look miserable!"
• I am.
• "Didn't you think you were going to give birth before your due date?"
• This is one that makes me cry.  Even more so when it's followed by laughter at the idea that I would even think I would have a baby early.  Never mind the fact that my mother was a week early with my older sister and based on that notion, it didn't seem insane to me that I would go early.
• "You're seriously still working?"
• My other option would be to waste my precious little maternity leave time sitting around the house doing nothing but annoying my wonderful husband who just wants to get some work done.  Also, work keeps my mind off of the fact that I am now almost a week past my due date with no signs of labor in sight.
• "Aren't they going to induce you soon?"
• Nope, they're not.  It's a decision I made because I firmly believe that natural childbirth is the best option.
• "You're going to end up with an epidural." Alternatively, chuckling/laughter when I say I want a natural childbirth.
• Cue crying/punching people.  I have planned for as long as I can remember to have a natural childbirth.  I took classes to prepare mentally.  I specifically chose midwifery care and the birthing center (not hospital) because I knew that the midwives would be able to help with the natural birthing in ways an OB likely would not.  I have a doula because they increase the likelihood of a natural birth by 30%. I have a husband who supports me 100% which is probably the most important piece of the puzzle.  I will do this and YOU will be wrong.

This probably sounds very rant-y/angry and it is a little bit.  I think people are generally trying to be nice, but I'm in this crazy place inside my head and I'm not going to hear what a rationally thinking person would hear.  

Moral of the story: the next time you're talking to a really pregnant woman, especially one who is past her due date, the best course of action is probably just to talk about something not pregnancy related.  What would you say to her if she weren't pregnant right then?  Ask her about her work or her plans for the day or anything unrelated to the baby.  If she wants to talk about the pregnancy and the baby, let her be the one to bring it up.

Names

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, especially with the baby coming any day now (we hope!!).  Since I haven't written a blog in about 6 gazillion years and Facebook notes are so 2006, I figured this would be a good thing to come back with.

Names are important to me.  It drives me crazy when people get mine wrong, mispronounce it, or give me a nickname before I'm close enough to them for them to have a nickname for me.  I always call people by the name with which they introduce themselves to me.  If they tell me they'd rather be called something different, I happily oblige.  It confuses me when people don't make an effort to do the same because names are important.

A few months before Matt and I got married, I started to realize that I didn't want to change my name.  I had always intended to and was known to practice my new signature during particularly boring classes.  Once it actually got close though, I freaked out about the thought of it.  I've always felt defined by my last name and I've always loved it (liked it, even…heh heh heh). While our sacramental marriage meant becoming one it definitely didn't mean leaving my 'old' self behind to reinvent myself entirely, which is what I felt I'd be doing if I changed my name.  He wasn't happy about it at first, but I explained myself and my reasoning.  He understood where I was coming from and ultimately agreed when I asked him if he would be willing to change his name for me and the answer was an adamant no.  If he wouldn't be willing to do this for me, it wasn't reasonable to expect it of me.

People have told me that I don't love him because I haven't changed my name; that we're somehow less of a married couple because of it.  They've said crazy things about it and it blows my mind.  I am not trying to make a statement by not changing my name.  In fact, sometimes for a minute I think it'd be nice to have the same name so people don't refer to Matt by my name or so that I don't have to take an extra moment every time I need to provide both our names to explain that we have different last names. But ultimately, I don't regret my decision to keep my name.  I love that I've never had to feel like I gave up being me when I got married.  I think, looking back, it would have been more detrimental to our marriage if I had.

Of course, once this was decided we started to discuss the names of our future children.  What it came down to was that our children would be part of both of us.  They are half Macari and half Leick, and we felt their names should reflect that.  If I love my name and Matt loves his, why not give them both names?  So that's what we're doing.  This little munchkin (whenever (s)he decides to show up) will have the last name Leick-Macari.  And when the baby, boy or girl, gets married they will decide what they want to do.  If we have a son that wants to change his name to his wife's we will support him fully.  If we have a daughter who wants to tack an extra last name onto her own, we will tell her to go for it.

As a final thought, I'm going to do a brief PSA:  If you know a couple who has two different names, you should ask them how they prefer to be addressed.  If you're not comfortable asking, etiquette dictates that you write the married couple's names on the same line in alphabetical order.  The likelihood of either party finding this offensive is approximately 0%.  The likelihood of either party finding being addressed by the name that is not their own offensive is significantly higher.

Speaking to Matt and myself specifically, (Ms.) Kelsey Leick and (Mr.) Matt Macari is perfectly sufficient.  Once the baby comes, adding Baby Leick-Macari or addressing us as 'The Leick-Macaris' or 'The Leick-Macari Family' is great as well (and saves some ink).

If anyone has any thoughts on why they did or didn't change their names or how they approached naming children when they have different last names, I'd love to hear it.  Perspective is a wonderful thing.